Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
