I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
