I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
