i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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