If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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