break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize