I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
