I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
