I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
