I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
