This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
