my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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