Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
