Texts From Last Night

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  (509): View more from Washington

  My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.

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  (509): My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work. http://tfl.nu/mmky
  Replies (11) Good night (2477) Bad night (741)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now

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  (608): it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now http://tfl.nu/jhc8
  Replies (14) Good night (2827) Bad night (1107)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?

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  (513): Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school? http://tfl.nu/0udh
  Replies (357) Good night (906) Bad night (8067)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.

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  (313): sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test (1-313): but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know. http://tfl.nu/w4h7
  Replies (26) Good night (637) Bad night (3322)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.

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  (612): I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous. http://tfl.nu/oxg9
  Replies (18) Good night (4969) Bad night (681)
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  (925): View more from California

  can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet

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  (925): can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet http://tfl.nu/pj67
  Replies (26) Good night (4632) Bad night (1308)
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  (310): View more from California

  He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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  (310): He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance. http://tfl.nu/gr0i
  Replies (25) Good night (9303) Bad night (836)
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  (872): View more from Illinois

  mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning

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  (872): mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning http://tfl.nu/e3e8
  Replies (11) Good night (1470) Bad night (4761)
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  (435): View more from Utah

  When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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  (435): When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics http://tfl.nu/17q6
  Replies (13) Good night (3919) Bad night (955)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.

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  (724): Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy. http://tfl.nu/yszi
  Replies (2) Good night (1743) Bad night (543)
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.

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  (989): You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone. http://tfl.nu/tu9y
  Replies (0) Good night (449) Bad night (295)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship

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  (515): I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship http://tfl.nu/py1y
  Replies (1) Good night (888) Bad night (303)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  You get 5 min

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.

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  (734): You get 5 min (586): Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative. http://tfl.nu/1qfm
  Replies (4) Good night (1196) Bad night (384)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"

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  (251): you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss" http://tfl.nu/0f55
  Replies (1) Good night (521) Bad night (491)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  That's literally the perfect eulogy

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  (740): At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table." (414): That's literally the perfect eulogy http://tfl.nu/dxva
  Replies (2) Good night (892) Bad night (237)

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