hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.