I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
