what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
