wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
