Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
