i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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