I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
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I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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