were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
