went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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