i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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