i wish my penis had a tongue
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
