did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
