The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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