I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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