Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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