im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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