nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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