Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning