I'm an idiot
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
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I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence