Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Less talking, more tequila
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?