when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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