i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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