Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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