He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
