The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
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I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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