I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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