Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
