Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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