its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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