Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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