Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
