Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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