If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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