I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.