Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i only shaved half my leg
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
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under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
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I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge