Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.