Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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