I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i think my cat just said my name.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
