I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
