if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
