Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
