Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
