When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
