Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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