I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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