I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize