my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
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From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
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How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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