Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
